All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
