could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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