I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
