just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
