Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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