I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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