Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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