Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
