i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Randomize
