im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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