I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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