I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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