sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
