if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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