I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
