I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
