Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
