I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Randomize
