Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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