We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
