I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
