I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
