I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
dude i'm inner monologue high
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
