My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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