apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Randomize
