Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
