i already hear my dad disowning me
he was CRYING into my vagina
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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