Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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