When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
