ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
