i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
