Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
