Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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