just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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