First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
PANTIES FOUND
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
