So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Less talking, more tequila
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
