Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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