the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Randomize
