Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just blew my weed a kiss
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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