I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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