Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
