He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
