My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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