She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
