I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
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