If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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