Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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