Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
