Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
