i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
This gyro tastes like lonliness
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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