I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
