So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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