You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
