I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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