How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
