I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize