She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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