New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
