They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
