Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
